Females are Illogical
by Carlotta's twin
Summary: Spock notices that many girls are becoming attracted to him. He wants to find out why and McCoy helps him.


"Females are Illogical."

a one-shot by Carlotta's Twin

Summary: Spock notices that many girls are becoming attracted to him. He wants to find out why- and McCoy helps.

Disclaimer Script:

CT: I own Star Trek...

Spock: No you don't.

CT: Fine! I don't own Star Trek...tears Why not???

Spock: Carlotta's Twin, you are acting illogical.

CT: Oh, shut up, you pointy-eared hobgoblin!

A/N: WARNING! This has slash themes...but NO slash in it.

"Females are Illogical."

Kirk yawned, immensely bored. Their trip to Alpha Beta 23 was going perfectly- no detours, no aliens attacking them...nothing. To make things worse, a junior engineer had risen the temperatures of the Enterprise, so everybody was hot and bored. Kirk looked around. Uhura was playing rock, paper, scissors with Sulu, and Chekhov was talking to Scotty about the dance tonight at the Rec Room.

But nothing seemed to affect Spock- perhaps because he didn't have (or show) boredom, or perhaps because the heat was pleasing to the Vulcan. After all, the temperatures on Vulcan were quite high. Spock was just sitting at his regular spot, hunched over the display screen. "Hey, Spock, what are you watching?" Kirk asked. There was no reply. "Spock? Spock!"

He got up and shook the Vulcan hard. Several bridge-members tried not to snigger. Spock jumped up, looked around, and said in his monotone voice, "What are you doing, Captain?" Uhura began to chuckle.

"Mr. Spock, did you fall asleep?" both she and Kirk asked.

"Apparently I did." Spock answered, rubbing his eyes. "I have not had much sleep these past few nights."

"I think you might have caught a cold," Kirk said. "Go down to sickbay."

Spock suppressed a sigh. "What if I am needed here, Captain?"

"Apparently you were asleep for a long time," said Kirk. "As everyone on the bridge has noticed: nothing is going on!"

"Pity." said Spock before exiting the bridge.

As he walked down to sickbay, he noticed several females smiling romantically at him. He blinked, hoping he was sleep-walking, but he was not. Yeoman Rand blew a kiss at him, Lt. Sarah Jones waved hello, and Security's Jane Brown winked. He placed a hand to his forehead, wondering if Kirk was right. If he was sick, then perhaps he was delirious as well.

Spock was almost happy (not like he'd ever show it) when he entered sickbay. McCoy looked up at his arrival and said, "Well, if it isn't my favorite pointy-eared hobgoblin." Spock sighed in relief. If McCoy started acting odd as well, he'd have to request shore leave. "What do ya want?" the CMO continued.

"Captain Kirk believes I am sick. I had fallen asleep over my display screen."

McCoy smirked. "Why?"

"I have not gotten sleep, Doctor. I thought that was obvious."

"Why haven't you gotten sleep? Itchy nose? Pointy-ears hurting? Emotion running through you?" McCoy looked at Spock, who was swaying with tiredness on the spot. "Sit on the bed. So, anyway, why no sleep?"

Spock looked away. "Females have been...trying to...court me."

"Yeah right!" laughed McCoy.

"Yes, McCoy." said Spock. "I am quite serious."

"As always." said the doctor. "So, they've been courting you...at night?"

"Yes, Dr. McCoy." said Spock. "They stand outside-"

"They? There's more than one?" McCoy laughed. "Jeez, Spock, you must be doing something right with the ladies."

"They stand outside and ask if they can come in and stay awhile." Spock finished. "They don't leave. I have locked my door and tried to fall asleep, but then they start singing. Serenades."

McCoy chuckled. "Maybe you should just get yourself a girlfriend. Then they'll stop." Seeing Spock's raised eyebrow, he stopped laughing. "What are you gonna do about it?"

"I am not sure." said Spock. "Your idea was worth noting, however. If I found a mate-"

"Oh, shut up!" said McCoy. "If you get a girl, then I can't call you a 'logic machine' anymore. I'm used to insulting your logic. If you stop being logical, then I'll have to find something else to insult you about. I'm a doctor, not a comedian. I like my old jokes."

Spock raised an eyebrow.

"Don't give me that look."

"McCoy, I assume that I will need more assistance in this case. Perhaps-"

"No." interrupted the doctor. "Get Kirk to help. Not me."

"You-"

"NO!" McCoy cried. "Kirk knows more about the ladies than me! Come on, Spock. I don't want to help you find out why girls like you! That's just..."

"Weird?" offered Spock.

"Yes, just weird."

"Very well doctor. I will be in my room." Spock got up from the bed and exited sickbay.  
"Just too weird." said McCoy as Chapel entered.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Oh, never mind. Take over for a while, will you?" Without waiting for an answer, McCoy rushed out of sickbay.

As soon as he reached Spock's bedroom, he stopped in his tracks and began to laugh. Roses and lilies and poinsettias adorned his door. Love letters were lying on the floor. Several security guards were too laughing, and a few ensigns were just staring at the spot. "Is that Captain Kirk's room?" one asked another.

McCoy went and buzzed. "It's me...ha ha ha...Mc-ha ha ha Coy!" He wiped a tear from his eye. "Let me..he he he...in!"

Spock opened the door and nearly pulled McCoy in. "This situation is not humorous."

"To me it is." McCoy grinned. "Apparently some girls like you a lot. Well, I want to know why."

"You will help me, Doctor?"

"Why not?" said McCoy, grinning. "I'm in a good mood." He chuckled. "Just seeing those flowers on a Vulcan's door made me split my sides."

"And splitting your sides put you in a good mood?" Spock asked.

"Yup."

Spock raised an eyebrow.

"Well, why do you think the girls would like you now?" McCoy asked Spock a while later on the bridge.

"I am not sure, Doctor." Spock said. "I have not changed my nature toward them, nor have I changed my outfit, my hair, or anything else that could cause females to be attracted to me now."

"Captain?" asked Uhura, noticing the two whispering together near Spock's station. "Are they actually talking without...insulting one another?"

"Impossible." laughed Kirk.

"I think they are, sir." Chekhov said, overhearing the conversation.

"Perhaps you should talk to Nurse Chapel," said Spock. "It could be interesting to hear why she is infatuated with me."

"Not too bad an idea, Spock." McCoy said.

"This isn't possible!" said Kirk, his eyes wide. "McCoy isn't able to compliment Spock! It's just not...normal."

"What's wrong with them?" Sulu asked.

"What are ya all lookin at?" Scotty asked, going over to the captain's chair.

"Spock and McCoy are being...friendly!" explained Uhura.

"No." said Scotty, chuckling. "Of course...oh my...they are!"

"So you will interrogate Chapel?" Spock asked.

"Interrogate is a strong word." McCoy said. "How about...question."

"As you wish, Doctor." Spock nodded.

Gasps rang out from around the captain's chair. Spock and McCoy swiveled around to see the entire bridge staring open-mouthed at the two.

"What's wrong?" asked McCoy. "Can't we just...talk?"

"No!" rang the bridge.

"It's not...possible!" said Kirk.

"Most things are possible if not plausible," Spock said.

Uhura sighed in relief. "Finally, Spock speaking logically. We needed something normal."

"Nurse Chapel?" asked McCoy. "Can you come in here?"

"Sir, I've already filtered the asi-tonic and made up the beds. I'm just about to-"

"Oh, shut up about work." growled McCoy. "I have a question for you."

"Yes?" asked Chapel.

"Why are you...infatuated with Spock?"

Chapel blushed. "Well, sir. He's just so...logical."

"Well I think so too but I don't have a crush on him!" McCoy growled. "What else?"

The nurse shrugged, and blushed even deeper. "Well..."

"Yes?"

"You won't like what I'm going to say."

"I bet I won't."

"Well, Doctor, he's sorta...cute!" Chapel said.

"You think that green-blooded pointy-eared hobgoblin is cute!?" McCoy yelled.

"Hello, Doctor, Nurse Chapel." said Spock, who had walked in. Chapel went beet-root red.

"Oh, hello Mr. Spock!" cried Chapel, putting her hands over her face. "I...uh...should be going!" She rushed into the ward.

"She thinks you're cute." growled McCoy. "How can anyone think that! Look at those eyebrows, and those stupid pointy-ears..."

"I admit, her infatuation is quite illogical." Spock said. "But as I had stressed earlier, I have not changed my physical features."

"Well, maybe she just likes those big ears of yours." McCoy snapped.

Spock raised an eyebrow.

"She probably likes that eyebrow thing, too!" McCoy said. "She probably thinks it's sexy..."

"That leaves one to wonder how she can find sexual appeal in the movement of an eyebrow." Spock said.

"I can do that eyebrow thing too, but since my eyebrows aren't slanted nobody cares!" McCoy fumed.

Spock raised an eyebrow.

"Stop doing that." McCoy ordered. "It's just ticking me off."

"So," Kirk asked Spock, "are you going to the dance with any of your girlfriends?"

"I have no 'girlfriends', Captain." Spock answered.

"That's not what I heard, Mr. Spock. Apparently your door is bestowed with flowers and love letters." Kirk grinned. "And people think I'm the ladies' man on the Enterprise...they haven't seen you, Spock!" He chuckled.

"Captain Kirk, I am not going to the dance!" Spock stressed.

"Oh, yes you are," said McCoy. "And you're coming with me." He grabbed Spock's arm and shoved him back to his station.

"Why, Doctor?" asked Spock.

"Well, we're not going to the dance the whole time." McCoy said. "Only to see who likes you."

"Why?"

"Because, then we can go into that girl's room and steal her diary and find out why she likes you."

"That would be, well...rude, Doctor."

"You're a Vulcan, you don't care about people's feelings." McCoy answered.

Spock opened his mouth to argue when Lt. Sarah Jones walked onto the bridge.

"Hello, Mr. Spock." she whispered, smiling at him. McCoy glared at her.

"What do you need, Lt. Jones?" asked Spock.

"I was wondering, sir, if you'd like to go to the dance with me." she said. Kirk, overhearing her, nodded to Spock and put his thumbs up.

"She's a good kisser!" Kirk mouthed.

"I am sorry Lt. Jones, but I am already going with Dr. McCoy." Spock said. Bones rolled his eyes and put a hand to his forehead. Kirk began to chuckle.

"Um...oh." Jones said. "Er...I'll be going now."

"Spock!" cried McCoy. "People will think I'm...swinging the wrong way."

"That is an illogical euphemism." Spock said. "You should just say that you are homosexual." By now most of the bridge (bar Scotty, who was too busy sleeping hey, there wasn't anything else to do, remember?) was listening in.

"I am not homosexual!" screamed McCoy. "All I'm trying to do is help you with your girl problem and you call me gay!"

"You are most certainly not happy." said Spock.

McCoy sighed, knowing it was hopeless, and turned to leave when he saw Uhura and Captain Kirk's laughing faces.

"Oh, shut up, you two." he growled. "I'm not homosexual."

"I don't know, Bones," said Kirk, "Maybe that's why you haven't hit it off with Chapel yet."

"Unless I have green blood, pointy ears, slanted eyebrows, and too much logic will Chapel ever be interested in me!" McCoy declared.

"Perhaps you should be kinder and have more sexual appeal, Doctor," said Spock. "Then Chapel may be more interested in you."

"Oh, like you're one to know about what girl's want." McCoy snapped. "T'Pring didn't even want to marry you."

"Yeah," said Kirk, "but Spock's the one with about twenty girls wanting him right now. He must be doing something right."

"This is awkward." McCoy told Spock.

"If I had emotion I would have to agree with you." Spock replied.

Apparently, Captain Kirk had told several people how friendly Spock and McCoy were to each other lately. And Lt. Jones had been quick to tell everyone how Spock had said he was going to the dance with McCoy. The result was many junior officers and ensigns believing that Spock and McCoy were dating.

One ensign even had the nerve to ask the two about the rumor.

McCoy only tried the 'eyebrow thing' while Spock said, "That is highly illogical."

"So, who likes you, Spock?" McCoy asked.

"I believe Ensign Xena Johnson is infatuated with me." Spock said. "I read her love-letter."

"Did you like it?"

"It was most illogical, Doctor."

"Of course."

Kirk walked up, a bottle of Romulan Ale in one hand, and Yeoman Rand in the other. "Well, why aren't you two dancing? This is a dance."

"Shut up, Jim. I'm no dancer."

"Nor am I, Captain."

"Well," Kirk sniggered, "I just think you two just look like a lovely couple." He walked off, still laughing.

"I hope your ale has poison in it," McCoy said. "In fact, I do have some poison on me somewhere..." He searched his pockets.

"Doctor, I think it unwise for you to try to poison Jim." Spock said. "Let us focus on the matter at hand. We need to go into Ensign Johnson's quarters."

"Yeah, yeah." McCoy said. "Let's just do it."

The two exited the dance. Kirk watched them go, shaking his head slightly.

As the two neared the ensign's room, Spock's eyebrows narrowed. "I know what you're thinking." McCoy said. "Don't worry about it. You want these girls off your tail, right?"

"I have no tail, Doctor."

"You're hopeless, Spock." McCoy entered the room. "Well, nothing too conspicuous..." McCoy looked around. "Check her drawers, Spock."

"I see no writing booklet or..." The First Officer trailed off. "How could you, Doctor?" he growled, turning around to face McCoy.

"What'd I do?" the CMO asked.

"You...abuse of power..." Spock shook his head.

"What are you talking about?" McCoy asked.

Spock showed his the paper he found. On it was a picture of Spock himself, looking normal, except for one thing- he had no clothes on. On the bottom of the picture were the words: Stardate: 1298.34 Dr. L.M.

"That was from my last physical." Spock said. He grabbed McCoy and pinned him against the wall. "Why did you do this?"

"Look!" said McCoy, angry and confused. "I don't know how that got into this room, but I don't hand out pictures of you naked!" Spock slowly released McCoy. "Spock, I wouldn't abuse my power...at least, not in that way. The only people who can release pictures into the general public like that is me, you, or Captain Kirk!" The two looked at one another.

"Captain Kirk!"

"Yes?" said the captain of the USS Enterprise, chuckling at the two of them. "You know, if you want to be all romantic, do it in your own room, not Ensign Johnson's!" He grinned.

"I'm not gay, Jim." McCoy said. "Why did you give the ladies Spock's picture?"

"It was a little experiment of mine." Kirk said. "I sent Spock down to the sickbay, hoping that Spock would tell you about his girl troubles. If Spock went to me for help, I'd tell him to go to you."

"Why, Captain?" asked Spock.

"I thought it was obvious," Kirk said. "You and Bones always argue and fight. I wanted to see what it's like if you work together."

"Then the surprise at our mutual friendship was a hoax?" Spock asked.

"Oh, no. I was just surprised at how well you two work together." Kirk said. He took a button out from his pocket and pressed it. The picture of Spock disintegrated on the floor. "All of the pictures are gone. The girls will start acting normal again, Spock."

Spock nodded. Kirk laughed, and left the room.

"Doctor?" asked Spock.

"Yeah?"

"The females were infatuated with me because they liked my body?"

McCoy gave an odd sort of chuckle. "Weirdly, yes."

"Females are illogical."

"No," argued McCoy, "Captain Kirk is."

FIN

Please review! Check out my other story, How to Fight Vulcan Style.


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